Chalcea,
I came to you straight from the Modern Family Alliance executive board meeting and I stopped at Carrabba's on the way.
Mama Mandola's Sicilian chicken soup, no pasta, so it was gluten free for you. I got you extra so you'd have some later. I got mine with the pasta and the bread, because I can, and I'm not sorry about it.
You met me at the door in a towel, a beautiful smile and contagious laughter at six. I set the table while you got dressed and then we ate.
Then we went over to the Holy's to figure out what they'd actually need moved the next day. We sat down for a second and Coyote Ugly was on the TV, and you announced it was one of your favorite movies while visibly not recognizing a single frame of it. Kelsey and I were not going to let that go. We did not let it go.
On the way out Eric hugged me so hard it squeezed the air out of my lungs, and you called him on it.
Diane looked genuinely shocked that I was coming back the next day to help. I told to not worry about it and to just let me help.
I want to note that for the record too. They were surprised I'd show up. You weren't.
Then back to your place.
We took Kaia out and walked and you talked about being a mother, about how that evolved, and about a few of the relationships after your marriage. A little more about your custody battle and about the cat that got passed around with your relationships.
Then we came back in and sat on your couch and talked for a long time, and then we stopped talking.
And you made it very hard to stay dressed. Breathing heavy and kissing my neck.
And then you were on top of me for a few minutes and then you just... dropped. Dead weight. And said you didn't have any more energy. And then you started apologizing. I'm sorry. I feel so bad. I just can't. I don't have it in me.
We laughed so hard. (I will laugh about this forever)
You were sick, and you were still lying there absolutely defeated that your body wouldn't cooperate, and I want you to know that from where I was underneath you, it was one of the most adorable things I have ever witnessed.
You asked if I needed to leave. I said I'd stay and tuck you in.
So I waited for you to get in bed and then I laid next to you and held you. And I stayed there until I could feel your body let go, and your breathing change. My arm around you. Reaching back to pet Kaia. When I was sure you were both under, I got up, got my stuff, and left. You'd already asked me to text you anyway, even knowing you'd be asleep. So I did, when I got home, after talking to Kat about the week.
Here's the part I've noticed most...
When you came out of the bathroom to get into bed, you said, "wow, I'm really bringing my A game."
And I said, maybe the universe is trying to show you that you don't need your A game all the time to still be wanted and cared for.
And you tilted your head down and did that little grin. The one you do to hide what you're feeling. I don't know which one it was. Maybe seen. Maybe cared for. Maybe valued. I'd like to know eventually.
But I meant it, so let me say the whole thing.
I want to bring you soup when you're sick. I want to bring you neti pots when you can't breathe. I want to be your security blanket when we go out to dinner and you don't feel good. I want to show up with a little extra energy on the days you don't have it, and help move the people you love. I want to walk your dog so you can sleep, and I want you to stop worrying about her during your long work weeks. I want to give you room to be, and to do the things you do, without any fear of disconnection or turmoil.
I want to support you and pour into you when you are not on your A game.
Especially then.
Noel
